Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’m a 35-year-old woman with no children who has been happily single for over two years, keeping to myself and not dating on purpose. Recently, I had to attend an event, and I was approached by a very pleasant man who is about four years younger than me. He seems very intelligent, well-spoken and is fairly attractive. He asked me out on a date, and we had a nice time together, talking well into the evening.

After getting to know him a little better, he told me that he identifies as nonbinary and is pansexual. I consider myself an open-minded person, and I don’t judge anyone for who they are. However, I have only ever been attracted to and dated cisgender, straight men. His announcement was a bombshell to me, just because he acted so into me and uses he/him pronouns. I guess after two years of not dating at all, I have lost the ability to pick up on things like this. I still like him and wouldn’t mind being his friend, but I don’t know if I’m the right person for him to date, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Does it make me a bad person that this was a turn-off to me? I can’t help who I’m attracted to, but I do not want to be a bigot. Should I let things play out a little more, or should I just end them now? He could tell that I was taken aback, and he did his best to reassure me that he was still a good match for me. He seems absolutely convinced, but I am not at all. Part of me wonders if I am simply looking for an “out,” too, because I had reached a point in my life where I was very content being single. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated. — Confused and Uncertain

Dear Confused: From what you know so far, it sounds like this person has several qualities that would make him either a good friend or good partner. What he shared with you was, as you said, not what you were expecting to hear, but that shouldn’t necessarily rule him out as a potential love interest.

Be honest and inquisitive. Let him know this is the first time you’ve dated someone who identifies as nonbinary and pansexual before and that you might have some questions. If you’re comfortable doing so, spend more time together on dates or in casual settings. He, ultimately, may not be your love match, and that’s just an inevitable reality of dating. But you might be surprised where the relationship could go or how you could feel about him if you write him off too early.

Beyond this particular relationship, you should also give some thought to how committed you are to dating right now in general. Your letter mentions a few times that you’re satisfied as a single woman. Before you continue seeing this man or any others, I’d think long and hard about whether or not you genuinely want to be in a serious relationship at this point in time in your life.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.