Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My husband and I welcomed our first child in March. My husband is a child of divorce and has a mother with a long history of narcissistic behaviors. Both of his families and my family live two hours from where we live.

We have run into a problem in which grandparents want to see our son frequently. My husband and I work full time, and I work one Saturday a month. My mother-in-law expects to see my son once per month; however, we have friends we like to see and other family members as well. Any weekend we have plans, I cannot freely post anything to social media because MIL will have extreme jealousy that we are hanging out with my parents or my father-in-law.

We were supposed to see them four weeks ago, but I became violently ill and we canceled. We asked them to come the following Saturday, and they declined, as they were getting back from a trip the day prior and would want to recover. They then hung out with their friends that day. We told her she could come on a Sunday, and she stated, “You know, Sundays are hard for us.”

Anyway, this past weekend, my grandma came to meet my son. I posted a photo, and my MIL lost her mind. She was gaslighting my husband, saying we are hurting her deliberately and that we are keeping our child from seeing her. My husband grew up being treated like this and says we just need to ignore her, but I cannot live my life like this.

What do I do? — Frustrated, Exhausted New Mom

Dear New Mom: First of all, congratulations on the birth of your child! It sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job managing work, parenthood and family. You are doing the best you can in terms of making an effort with your MIL; it’s not your fault that your schedule does not align with hers.

So long as she is not bringing any of this negativity with her when she does come to visit, I would continue to invite her to see the baby when it works for both your schedules. When she starts acting out in this manner, however, I would listen to your husband, who has been dealing with this his entire life. Pay no attention to her tantrums — and tell her that you are unwilling to have such behavior around your baby.

Dear Annie: We have two adult children in their 20s. Child A got herself into a legal situation and asked for our help, which we provided. We told no one of the situation because it wasn’t anyone’s business, and it was private. Child B learned of this and isn’t speaking to us for not disclosing the information.

We explained that it wasn’t for us to disclose and told him to speak to his brother if he has any issues or concerns. We have been cut off from Child B for “lying, toxic behavior and gaslighting.” We have tried to initiate a conversation to clear things up, but Child B insists on written communication only. It is killing my wife that Child B will not speak with us. How do we move forward? — Trying to Respect All Parties

Dear Trying: So long as Child A’s legal troubles did not have an impact on anyone else’s safety or well-being, then you did the right thing by respecting his privacy. It’s nice that both your children know that they can go to you with any issue, big or small, and you will be there to support them without judgment.

Child B might feel left out; he might feel entitled to know more about the situation given that he is a member of the family; or he might be upset that his brother got into legal trouble in the first place. Explain to him that it simply was not your information to share. He should feel comforted by the fact that he can trust you both if and when he ever has an equally sensitive problem.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.